Talking Etiquette with Corinne Gregory

This interview was originally written by Patty Lamberti and published in the February 2010 issue of Rotarian Magazine. It's as relevant today as it was back then, but I would of course broaden this title to "Etiquette and Ethics" because of how "etiquette" is really about the action of how we treat one another whereas character and ethics are about the motivations.


Talking Etiquette with Corinne Gregory

by Patty Lamberti
The Rotarian -- February 2010
A s Corinne Gregory’s children got older, she noticed that kids with manners were the exception, not the rule. She decided to do some
research. “I found out that many children didn’t have behavior problems,” she says. “They lacked social competency, awareness, and
consciousness.”

In 2003, she developed SocialSmarts, a program
available to public schools that teaches children from preschool to high school about manners, values, and ethics.
Gregory, a member of the Rotary Club of Redmond, Wash., USA, has been interviewed by Katie Couric for The Today Show, and her advice has been featured in TIME, Parents Magazine, and the Seattle Times.
The Rotarian: Why are kids’ social skills worse than they were 10 years ago?
Corinne Gregory: There are a hundred reasons. I don’t want to place blame solely on parents. But
we’re so busy running around that we don’t want to be the discipline police.
TR: Why is this a problem for schools?
Gregory: Too many kids come into schools unprepared for the classroom environment. They don’t
know that they need to sit down and keep quiet. Teachers spend their time on discipline, not
teaching.

TR: What does SocialSmarts focus on?
Gregory: Initial classes cover basic manners. We move on to respect for peers and respect for
things, like the environment. We teach meeting and greeting skills, presentation skills, the concepts
of trustworthiness and integrity. We show students, whether they are toddlers or teens, that if you
behave better, you’ll get more of what you want and less of what you don’t. We ask them, “What
impression do you want to send people?” Kids don’t want to be drug dealers. But they don’t see the
map to success.
TR: Where do ethics and manners intersect?
Gregory: We use a social skills pyramid. At the top of the pyramid is etiquette. We teach students
about the rules of conduct and engagement. The next level is manners, which is more about
behavior. At the very bottom of the pyramid are motivators like respect, compassion, and integrity.
Ethics is the line between the motivators and behaviors. In order to behave ethically, you have to
think ethically.
TR: What about The Four-Way Test?
Gregory: Once you internalize The Four-Way Test, it’s always there. Lesson eight in SocialSmarts
is about honesty. Regardless of a student’s age, it always comes back to the first tenet: Is it the
TRUTH?
TR: How do you know SocialSmarts works?
Gregory: Schools that use our program have conducted studies comparing themselves with
schools in the same district that don’t. The schools with the program see a 10 to 13 percent
improvement on tests. Teachers also report that they spend less time on behavior issues.

TR: How can clubs get involved?
Gregory: First, identify a school. If a Rotary club wishes to sponsor the school, we’ll donate our
program fee every year the school stays in the program. The club must cover the cost of materials
and oversee the funds to make sure they are properly administered.This is a way to expose students to Rotary and to the idea of Service Above Self. We talk about The Four-Way Test and encourage kids to learn more about Rotary. Imagine if every child practiced
the tenets of The Four-Way Test. Imagine what our world would be like.

Dear Corinne …
Rotarians are a mannerly bunch. But because your mother probably never taught you about e-mail
etiquette or other modern dilemmas, Gregory offers these 21st-century takes on social graces.
On thank-you notes: The old rule was that if the giver was there when the recipient opened the
present, then the recipient didn’t need to send a thank-you note. But imagine you are on a business
trip and you give someone a gift. You are there when the person opens it, but you still get a note a
few weeks later. Imagine the impression that leaves.
On wedding gifts: You have a year. Wait until the dust settles, then ask the couple, “What did you
really want that you didn’t get? Have you thought of something else?” If you plan on waiting to give
a gift, you still should give them a card at the wedding.
On RSVPs: Let someone know one way or the other if you are coming to an event. When you don’t
RSVP, you’re saying, “I’m waiting to see if I get a better offer.” Every once in a while, you may
honestly forget to send regrets. But you can still call and patch that up.
On e-mail: We are so inundated with different forms of communication, like texting and tweeting,
that we sometimes forget to respond or to close the loop in an e-mail conversation. If you’re too
busy to send a lengthy e-mail back to someone, write back and say so. Be honest.
Copyright © 2010 Rotary International

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It all comes down to this: “Be nice and tell the truth all the time…”

Do you ever have one of those moments where someone says something in just a certain way, at a certain time, and you realize "That's IT! That's what it's all about!"  You have this incredible epiphany that you just don't need to say anything further, because the statement that was just made is so perfect it cannot be improved upon?

I had that moment yesterday. It has left me humbled and awed.

Yesterday, I was speaking at an assembly of 6th, 7th and 8th graders at Sultan Middle School. For the past 30 minutes, I was sharing with them the presentation "Street Smarts or SocialSmarts" and was explaining how being socially smart can get you more of what you want, more easily, and less of what you don't want.

I had been exploring with the students the concept of getting parents "off your case" and getting them to treat the middle schoolers more like adults.  I asked for some shared comments from the audience on how they thought they could accomplish this.  Some of the responses I got were, "Do what parents ask you to do," or "don't give them attitude when they talk to you," and other similar responses. I thought I had just exhausted the question when I noticed there was a young student in the middle of the bleachers to my left.  (more…)

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The unforseen impact of online “friendships”

I was speaking for a group yesterday on the topic of "Overcoming Failure to Educate," and afterwards one of the audience members came up to me and shared a story that really drove home a point that I'm guessing many of us really don't think about: be careful who you "friend."

Now, I'm sure most of us are conscious of certain types of people who may request online friendship and we accept/ignore them based on our own internal radar. But let me tell you this story and see if it doesn't impact your thinking a bit.

It seems a teen was applying for a job as security guard for the local Port Authority.  He was a high school graduate, decent kid, kept himself out of trouble.  Apparently a good candidate by all reason. During the interview, he was asked by the recruiter if he had ever been incarcerated or if  any of his friends had been or were presently.  (more…)

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