Does it surprise you that kids are doing this? It shouldn't.  It's one of the unintended consequences of enacting laws to deal with cyber bullying and online harassment.  The kids who are doing the bullying and harassing are trying to cover up who is doing it because they want to evade laws and policies that forbid and punish this kind of behavior.

What we are seeing then, is the problem being compounded. Not only is it bad enough that students are doing the bullying -- online or off, -- now we add sneakiness and subterfuge to the list of "bad behavior."

Nearly two years ago, I called attention to the problems with isolating cyber bullying as a separate "thing" from off-line bullying, something that somehow needed a different solution.  While there are some things that make cyber bullying somewhat unique, the basic root cause of why people bully and harass online is the same as what drives off-line behavior (and, as a matter of fact, frequently online bullying LEADS to offline, in person bullying as well!)

The people who bully lack the sensitivity, compassion and consideration that allows them to understand that treating others like this is just plain wrong.  Before you go off telling me I'm wrong, let me qualify this: I'm not saying that bullies don't know it's wrong when they bully; I'm saying they lack the basic character development that allows them to care.

Further, bullying is about power. It's about a zero-sum game that says, "Hey, in order for me to be a bigger deal, I have to make you a lesser deal."  If I write you a hurtful note on paper and stuff it in your locker, I may hurt you, but you and I are the only ones to know.  If I do it on the Internet, though, a whole "universe" can know.

Now, take the fake id action and you see that these students will use the anonymity of the Internet to do their damage without any obvious way of being held accountable for their actions. I say "obvious," because kids don't usually realize how traceable the Internet really is. I myself (and I'm not a cyber-expert by any means) was able to track down and isolate who was cyberbullying and harassing me back in the past, using just a simple set of tools and basic knowledge of IP addresses and web logs. You can bet that the police and other "enforcers" have that ability magnified a zillion times over.

Most cyberbullying will never reach a level where the local police or even FBI (yes, they do have jurisdiction, too, depending on how, where and when the bullying takes place) will get involved. But, it is imminently possible that they can.

 But rather than argue about what should be done once the problem occurs, we really need to start looking at how we prevent it. We continue to think "anti-bullying" when by the time it has reached a bullying stage, we're dealing with the problem too late.  And, in the case of cyberbullying, putting in fancy and high-fallutin' electronic "mousetraps" to identify and catch cyberbullies is really too little, too late. When people want to do bad, they find a way to do it. In this case, they get anonymous userids and create fake Facebook pages or similar.

Recently I read an article that suggested "Internet etiquette" training was essential for teens and pre-teens to help them understand how to conduct themselve online.  If you ask me, the rules of conduct online should be no different than those offline, so why offer a "special" course?  Something as simple as "don't say anything online that you wouldn't say to someone's face" is really no different than saying "don' t say something behind someone's back that  you wouldn't say to their face," is it?  In either case, it's gossip at best case, bullying at worst.

So, rather than spend all this separate energy (and time and, yes, money) treating cyberbullying at its end-result, how about we work on developing positive behavior and character with our kids at the foundational level?  I don't understand why this is such a difficult concept to grasp, but yet it is still a very evangelical sale to try to convince schools and communities to invest in a pro-active approach.

Until we do, we'll continue to see that kids find new ways to elude the consequences of negative behavior, and when cyberbullying is no longer the "in" and happening new thing, I promise you they will find another new and interesting way to hurt others because of their lack of compassion, consideration and appreciation of the feelings of others.

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Did you find this article helpful?  If so, check out the on-demand webinar "7 Steps to Eliminating Bullying in Schools, An Inside-Out Approach."

The movie is getting some good reviews, but it's the "behind the scenes" action that is getting all the attention. There has been a strong response from the public that the "R" rating given the movie by the MPAA is going to prevent those people who need to see it the most from getting that opportunity.

That's where I say, "What????" Are you serious?

Now, let's break this down, shall we?  An "R" rating means that the subject matter is not intended for children under 17. This might include content involving violence, language, sex and nudity...any or all of the above.  But, if you examine what the rating MEANS, it specifically says that children under 17 must be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

So, then, where's the problem?  I can tell you that most kids under 17 (the ones that, according to the supporters of changing the rating), aren't going to go see "Bully" because it's the hottest thing to hit the teen market.  You won't see a group of 15 year olds weighing the pros and cons of seeing this movie, over, say "The Hunger Games."  Not gonna happen.

The kids that go to see this movie will be going there largely because their parents want them to see it -- and they will take them to see it.  I do not expect a long line of 9 year olds in front of the theater to see "Bully" on their own -- no, that line is for "The Lorax."

As far as not being able to show it in schools with this rating, that, too, is ridiculous.  Movies with "questionable" content are shown all the time. If a school is progressive (or if the movie violates their normal policy), they inform parents who can opt-in or opt-out. Heck, even my own kids were shown "An Inconvenient Truth" in their SCIENCE class as "proof" of global warming (remember how "valid" all that research has been shown to be lately?), and we didn't know about it until after the fact.  Comparatively, "Bully" could be seen as much less "questionable" because we SEE first-hand proof, that bullying occurs in every school across the country today.

But, media types and celebrities are jumping on the outrage bandwagon. Ellen DeGeneres has done a segment praising Katy Butler's attempts with Change.org to get the rating changed.

I just have to ask another unpopular question: is this movie about SOLUTIONS, or is it more "awareness?"  Raise your hand if YOU don't know that bullying is horrible, is at epidemic proportions and frequently causes lasting trauma and even death?  I'll bet not a hand in the room goes up! Why, then, do we need a MOVIE to show us more? Is this intended to be entertainment or educational?  I don't object to calling attention to the problem, but the problem with this approach is that we all walk away saying "oh, how AWFUL," agreeing we all have to do something about it...and then we don't. Or, won't. Or, we decide we need a better policy. How about another, tougher law? Let's hold an assembly at school...and then the kids listen (maybe) for 1/2 an hour, go back to their classes, and later, home...and life goes on as normal.

When will we understand and admit that these visuals and story-telling do not constitute "behavior change?" Ellen doesn't want to talk about how we change behavior; but she does invite parents of bully victims on the program to talk about their tragedies. Anderson Cooper commits a whole show to the problem, and nothing to the solutions. We talk about "anti-bullying" when we should talk "pro-social skills."  Now, when we stop calling attention to the problem, and start focusing on the solution, then I think we'll see change. In fact, I'm staking my career on it!

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 Did you like this post? For more on the problems with "anti-bullying" and what to do about it, see http://corinnegregory.com/blog/2012/02/28/why-anti-bullying-doesnt-work-part-i/ And, share it with your friends!

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Was this helpful?  You can more about civility and social skills in business in the acclaimed book, "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them" available in print at www.ItsNotWhoYouKnowItsHowYouTreatThem.com, for Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/Its-Know-Treat-Them-ebook/dp/B005XARZW8/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1332185953&sr=8-6, for Nook at http://www.amazon.com/Its-Know-Treat-Them-ebook/dp/B005XARZW8/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1332185953&sr=8-6 and other ebook formats.

I believe the "anti-" approach is wrong.

In many of my presentations that I give across the country to parents, educators and administrators, I use a quote that Mother Teresa once said about our attempts to end global conflict and a request that she appear at an event. She responded by saying

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." - Mother Teresa

I use this quote a lot because it seems we have the same problem with "anti-bullying."  We're calling attention to the wrong thing, and, very much too late in the game.

If you know much about brain functioning, you may have heard that our human brains have difficulty computing negatives. It's as though the brain has to do a double-take and "reprocess" the information when it encounters something like "don't" or "can't." The study of neurolinguistics is finding some very interesting results that seem to back this up.  An article I recently came across may suggest that using the words "don't" when trying to change negative behavior may be actually unwittingly supporting that negative behavior.

I'll try to summarize this but you can read the full article here.   One example the author uses is the effect of telling yourself, when in a stressful situation, "Don't panic."  If you hear a fire alarm in a crowded gymnasium and repeatedly tell yourself "Don't panic, don't panic" you may find yourself breaking into a run in spite of your best intentions.  This effect is referred to as "negation."

Now, imagine you are a young child in the same situation.  Children are believed to be more susceptible to negation's effects, so the "don't" message that we are trying to teach them. Tell a toddler, "Don't touch" invariably causes that child to want to reach out even more strongly.

I can personally vouch for my brain's "don't" disconnect. Any of you play golf?  Ok, in that case, here's a real-life scenario for you and tell me if this hasn't happened to you: You're teeing off at a particularly challenging spot, where you just KNOW if you hit the ball right, it's a goner.  You tell yourself, "Don't hit right, don't hit right, don't hit right." What happens...chances are that ball goes zooming as right as rain.  We also know that our brains tend to process messages that we tell ourselves and "miraculously" we find ourselves acting out just what we were thinking.

Ever find yourself carrying a tray of something fragile and you tell yourself "oh, don't DROP that!"  Next thing you know...shards.  Your brain has managed to filter out that "don't" and has rewarded you with exactly what it picked up, i.e. "Drop it."

Now, what does this have to do with bullying?  Well, look at the messages most anti-bully approaches have: "Don't bully," "No Bully Zone," "You Can't Bully Me," "Don't be Mean," "Don't make fun of people."  They are negation messages that are also, at the same time calling attention to negative behavior.

And, if you know anything about human motiviation it's this:

1. We respond to positive attention for positive behaviors, but...
2. We'll respond to negative attention for negative behavior over being ignored.

In essence, by making "bullying behavior" the focus of our attention, we are also reinforcing that negative behavior.  We may have these rallies and put "policies" in place (which, I'm not saying aren't needed, but stick with me here), thinking that if we "raise awareness" the problem will stop.

But folks, let me tell you...the kids ARE aware. They know this behavior is wrong. These are some of the key questions I ask students in assemblies I do with them on the topic, and I can assure you that virtually every child in this country KNOWS that bullying is wrong.

All well and good you say...so what CAN we do about the problem?  I'll talk about that in my next post because, just like this is a long topic for discussion, the solution also leads to lengthy analysis.  I don't want to bore you to death with a 2000 word post. We'll talk about the upside in the bullying message next time.

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If you found this post interesting and want to learn more about the problem of bullying and what to do about it, Amazon Best Seller "Breaking the Bullying Culture" can be ordered today for Kindle: get your copy at http://www.amazon.com/Education-Reform-Other-Myths-ebook/dp/B00772XLHS/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1328796163&sr=1-3

In 2009, Michael was set aflame by three of his classmates to the degree that he had to jump in a nearby pool in order to put out the flames. Michael suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over nearly 2/3rd of his body.

According to the story in the Miami Herald, both teens pled "no contest" which means that they are willing to accept whatever punishment the court hands out, but does not admit guilt.  In addition to the jail time they were sentenced to, the perpetrators were given 18-21 YEARS of community service. When you consider that these young men are themselves 18 and 17 years old, you can see that they will be living with the results of their actions for a very long time.

One point I found troublesome in the article: the young men claimed their actions were not premeditated. Apparently, even the prosecutor conceded this point. I wonder how this can be.   I mean, do teens just walk around with flammable liquids in their pockets routinely just so they can throw that on some unsuspecting teen and then flambe them with their trusty Zippo?  How can a prosecutor say this action was spur-of-the moment? According to the Herald, 17-year old Denver Jarvis doused a "flammable liquid" on Brewer at the command of Matthew Bent (18) who was upset about a $40 debt Michael owed him. The third perpetrator, Jesus Mendez was the one who allegedly teased and taunted Michael with the lighter and ultimately ignited the fire that injured Brewer.

If, as the article suggests, Jarvis told the judge before sentencing that had he known this kind of thing could happen, he would have never participated in harassing Brewer. But, there again, I have to ask: what do you THINK could happen when you are pouring something like the rubbing alcohol supposedly used on a person and tease them with an open flame?  Are our young people growing up with so little reasoning skills that they can't foresee simple cause-and-effect?

If that is true, then in addition to the problems of lack of sensitivity and compassion for others, our youth are growing up without the ability to apply basic reason. I just don't get how these young men couldn't see beyond the immediate "how do we get back $40" to the point where they grievously injured someone and could have, frankly, killed him.

I know there are all types in the world. You have to ask where these kids' parents were in the 15+ years of their lives before they committed this crime. But, given the way our society is going, it's even possible that the best of parents produce children who are completely oblivious to the basics of how we treat one another.

It's one of the reasons bullying and other anti-social behavior is so rampant. Kids just don't "get" why this behavior is unacceptable. Heck, when they see discourteous, rude, crass behavior modeled every day of the year, in our neighborhoods, in our schools, on TV and radio, why wouldn't they think this is all "normal?"

While we blame these three "kids" for behavior that was criminal, maybe we need to take a look, at the same time, at the society that has built them. As I've pointed out in my own presentations and otherwise, these kids weren't model citizens for 14 years, and then suddenly one day decided to set a classmate on fire. I'm sure there were signs; I'm sure there were behavior issues before.  Why we don't work more on prevention rather than consequences is another thing I don't "get."

Bottom line: I think it's appropriate that they received adult sentences for crimes that were of adult proportions. I just don't think they should have been allowed to cop-out on "we didn't mean it." That removes all accountability and responsibility for adult thinking that comes with adult behavior.

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For more about bullying, cyber bullying and school violence, grab your copy of the Amazon Best Seller, "Breaking the Bullying Culture." You can find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Education-Reform-Other-Myths-ebook/dp/B00772XLHS/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2

Today, you can get your copy of "Breaking the Bullying Culture" for free on Amazon Kindle. Visit the link below to take advantage of the offer.

Of course, if you are an Amazon Prime member, you can get your copy for free anytime -- and you can "borrow" it just like from a library.

http://www.amazon.com/Education-Reform-Other-Myths-ebook/dp/B00772XLHS/ref=pd_rhf_dp_p_t_1

Thanks to all of you who have helped make this book #1! I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback and reading your reviews. I hope this helps those of you who are concerned about the problem of bullying in our schools and communities!

"Breaking the Bullying Culture" continues the discussion initiated in the first "Education Reform" book ("The Stumbling Blocks in the System and How to Fix Them") by turning the focus on bullying and school violence.

This book offers an in-depth look at the bullying epidemic, providing details about how extensive the problem really is, what is being done about it, what doesn't work and why, and what will work to stop it.  Recent high-profile and lesser-known incidents are covered, and there is substantial information about traditional bullying as well as cyber bullying, including an essay by the renowned Information Security Strategist Christopher Burgess on bullycide in America.

"Breaking the Bullying Culture" is now available for purchase and is also available through Kindle's lending program for free. It's my sincere hope that readers will find this a helpful resource in their efforts to end bullying in our schools and community. Every child deserves to be safe and secure and it IS within our means to make that happen!

Through Amazon Kindle, you also have the opportunity to participate in their lending library -- I'm really excited about that part, although it's only going to be available for the first 90 days of the book's Kindle publication.

To check it out for yourself, visit http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0071NAX2O

I'm eager to see what you think of it. For the first 25 people who read this book and write a review of it, I'll give you a copy of the next book in the series "Breaking the Bully Culture" for FREE.  Drop me an email when your review is posted and I'll put you on the list to get your complimentary copy of "Breaking the Bully Cycle!"

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

Hopefully, we have made progress in judging based on color of skin -- although one could certainly argue that we are often as polarized by race today as we were nearly 50 years ago (but that's a topic best left for another day).

But, let's analyze the second part. If we are to be judged by the "content of [our] character," what does that mean for us today?  I think it's interesting to consider what Dr. King would see, were he alive today. What has happened to our individual -- not to mention, collective -- character?

Not a day goes by where we don't hear of some scandal in the media -- sports heroes and political leaders are caught in flagrantly adulterous relationships; business leaders lie, cheat and steal their way to prosperity on the backs of unsuspecting victims. Our entitlement mentality has blossomed to such a point that for many, it's easier and preferable to remain on the government dole than it is to take any job that is offered to them.  We criticize our legislators, but then fail to let our voices and votes be heard when it's time to elect new representation.

Again, as I write this, I realize that not everyone falls into this general mold. But, in today's culture, self-centeredness and selfishness is more the rule than the exception. "Character" is less valued today than it was in Dr. King's era, yet should be even more important now than ever.  As we become more global, more diverse as a society and marketplace, it's increasingly important that there is some common ground where we can come together. Core principles such as mutual respect, consideration, empathy, compassion are those values that should guide us all and connect us when cultures and experiences don't.  "Treating others the way we want to be treated" really isn't such a hard concept to understand; why is it so difficult, then, to practice?  If we placed as much value in our moral account than we do in our bank accounts, our world would be a much different and happier place.

I've been accused of having a "Pollyanna" outlook on life before, but truly I understand how challenging it is to do right.  It's not so much that I'm unrealistic or idealistic; I choose to believe in, and campaign for, the best in people.  It's what motivates me to speak to groups on the importance of positive social skills and character, to consult with schools and business professionals on effective "SocialSmarts." I want people to rise out of the status quo and push themselves to be kinder, be more considerate and treat others like they matter. If I didn't think it could be done, I would have given up long ago, but I've seen enough change in those I've had the pleasure to work with that I know we have a chance.

Dr. King dedicated his work -- and his life -- to trying to change the world.  While we ourselves may not have the chance to make the same sort of national or global impact, we do have the ability to make smaller, but no less significant impacts in our families and communities. If just a few people would return to a place where character mattered, over time that would influence others.

It's great that we have seen fit to honor Dr. King and his message by establishing a holiday in his memory. But, rather than just celebrate his mission and memory by hosting parades once a year, we'd do better by practicing and living the principles he preached.

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Did you find this post interesting? Find more content on character and positive social skills by purchasing the Kindle version of "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them" at http://www.amazon.com/Its-Know-Treat-Them-ebook/dp/B005XARZW8/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1326733846&sr=1-2

What's interesting to me is that the "Top 10" of my posts turned out differently from what I expected.  I was SURE that the piece "To End Bullying Requires a Cultural Change" would be in the #1 position. But, it appeared third on the list and not even CLOSE in readership to posts #1 and #2.

Without further ado, here's the list of Top 10 -- for those of you who are regular followers, I'd love to hear what you think about this list and are there any that surprise you...or would you recommend any that should have made the list?

1. Leadership and the Iceberg
2. “Change” requires DOING something different
3. To end bullying requires a cultural change
4. Got the back to school blues
5. Rotary 4-Way Test: Don’t just recite it — live it
6. Bullying in the movies
7. What if schools were run like a business?
8. “Congress Must Pass Law to Prevent Teenage Bullying in School” – Say WHAT??
9. Academics + Social Skills = Better Results
10. How would YOU like to be remembered?

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Corinne Gregory is an author, speaker, and frequent media resource on all things related to social skills, civility, positive character and how that relates to education and business. Invite her as a speaker or coach to your event or for your organization and see how "SocialSmarts" leads to better success.